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Last updated: ������

I'm so tired of pretending to be a person. I feel especially alien lately, like a swamp monster walking around in a skin suit it pulled off of some poor camp counselor. I don't know why existing always feels so exhausting. Speaking has been difficult, too, every word feels like trying to touch a hot stove, and I'm so tired afterwards even though I barely even remember the conversation. I wasn't there, some thing pretending to be me was there, talking and socializing like normal. Meanwhile, I'm stuck deep inside my body, ten inch thick glass separating me from everybody else, water muting every sound and sensation. I can see them out there, being real, being present, living, but I can't seem to make any meaningful assertion of my existence, and I'm not really sure if I want to. My friends always ask if I'm doing alright, because I'm always staring blankly into space. I never know the answer. Maybe that's why I like fish so much, I like their blank expressions, how they always look like there's nothing going on in their heads, how people like to think they have memories that last seconds. They're just like me, stupid and silent and not at all human. You know, goldfish can actually remember stuff for years, that "memory of a goldfish" thing was always a myth. That's one of my favorite fun facts, gives me hope that maybe one day my emptiness could be a myth, too.

- ������

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Last updated: 8/26/24

My parents did such a shit job of taking care of my fish. I'm never going on vacation again. My babies need me.

- Momi

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